Parenting and/or Family Concerns

STAYING CALM

Many parents say that their biggest challenge they face when dealing with their kids is staying calm and handling anger effectively. Anger is a natural, human emotion. Pretending it doesn’t exist or trying to avoid it altogether is no real solution.

Question #1: Can you stay calm?

If your typical reaction is to curse, yell, hit something, or throw or kick things, then you are teaching your child to do the same. Eventually, they will begin to react to you in the same way you react to them. Staying calm isn’t easy but it can be done.

TIPS FROM OTHER PARENTS :

“I count to ten- very slowly. I concentrate on doing that no matter what my son is yelling.”

“I sit down. If I’m standing, I start to tremble. Sitting calms me and I can say what I need to say calmly.”

“I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It serves as a safety valve for me to let off steam.”

“I just leave the situation for a while. I go into another room until I can handle myself. I can deal with my kid’s anger a lot better that way. Sometimes he has even calmed down by the time I get back.”

“I call someone like my best friend or my sister. By talking about the situation, I can go back in and deal with it more appropriately.”

“I sit down and on paper write about how upset I am. Sometimes, I can’t even read what I wrote, but it’s not important as long as I’m not taking it out on him. Later when I read it, it surprises me how upset I got over such a little thing.

“I try not to take what my kids say personally. I pay attention to feeling angry and try to get some perspective. I distance myself from what I’m angry about. It’s usually some behavior I’m mad at not my kids. I want them to know I still love ‘em even though I’m ticked about what they did.”

Think about what works for you and make a list of those techniques so you can review it when you need a good reminder.

Question #2: When is it appropriate for me to get mad?

As a rule, the decision whether or not to get angry hinges on the issue of separation of problems. If the problem is your child’s problem and affects them, it should be met with empathy not anger. If they are being hurt by their actions, empathize with the error of their ways but let them learn from the natural consequences without your anger interfering. For example, your child gets into a fight at school and suffers a black eye and bruised ego or fails a dozen classes at school, then your anger only makes things worse.

When kids do something that directly affects you, it’s ok to get a bit huffy. They need to recognize that you are angry because their misbehavior has affected you. For example, a child borrows one of your tools and doesn’t put it back or they break something that they never asked permission to use. In these situations, the anger should not be used to demean the child but instead should focus on how the misbehavior affected you and how they plan to resolve it. Give them the responsibility of finding a solution to the problem.

The decision to use anger works best when it is dispassionate, not a flying-off-the-handle reaction, bawl out. Also, be careful that anger becomes the expected reaction. Children become accustomed to certain emotional reactions, if anger is always the one, they begin to choose it. That can lead to bigger problems down the road.

Question #3: How can I tell when I’m getting angry?

If we can recognize the signals of getting angry, it gives us a chance to think before we respond. Listed below are some ways people react or feel when they start to get angry.

— Tight muscles

— Sweating

— Speak faster

— Face feels flush

— Grind or clench teeth

— Heart pounds

— Lips quiver when you speak

— Ringing in your ears

— Tremble or shake

NOTE: When you recognize these signs, get ready to practice some of the techniques mentioned above to help you stay calm.

SETTING LIMITS

“Rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

- Proverbs 12:18

Kids are most secure around parents who are strong & don’t allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and stick to them. Kids who act out without having to face consequences become brats.

Children who are lucky enough to have limits placed on them in loving ways while they are learning how to act are more secure and can deal more effectively with their own emotions. They learn how to form healthier, more satisfying relationships with others. Limits help kids develop self-confidence. They are easier to teach, spend less time misbehaving and grow up to be more responsible adults.

When firm limits aren’t provided, kids suffer from low self-esteem. They aren’t sure about rules from one day to the next and begin to doubt. Kids with low self-esteem behave accordingly.

Thinking Words vs. Fighting Words

Instead of telling kids what to do, it works better if we put the burden of responsibility on them

to make decisions. As they grow older, don’t tell them what to do, establish limits by offering choices using thinking words not fighting words. The difference between the wording is subtle but the limit never changes only the child’s reaction. Kids fight against commands. Let them make the choice and the lesson stays with them.

Examples:

Ø It’s cold outside and your child doesn’t think they need to have a coat.

FIGHTING WORDS: “You put that coat on right now!”

THINKING WORDS: “Would you like to wear your coat or carry it?”

Ù A child says something loud and unkind to a parent.

FIGHTING WORDS: “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!”

THINKING WORDS: “You sound upset. I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as

soft as mine is.”

Ú Child won’t do his homework.

FIGHTING WORDS: “You’d better get busy on that homework!”

THINKING WORDS: “Feel free to join us for some TV when your homework is done.”

MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN

Just as quickly as kids learn the limits, they will start testing them. They want to see just how firm you will actually be to provide them with the necessary security. They may use guilt, anger, sneakiness or even feign forgetfulness. They won’t act thrilled over you helping them become more responsible. If they are hungry because they missed dinner from not finishing their chores on time, they will not be happy. We can be empathetic because we know how it feels to miss a meal and we tell them so with understanding. However, that hunger is a consequence of their action. Avoid “I told you so’s” because that crumbles our limit. They need to clearly be angry at themself not at us for showing
anger or rubbing it in.

CONSEQUENCES CHANGE BEHAVIOR

Naturally occurring consequences, like feeling tired from going to bed late or freezing because you refused to take a coat, are the most effective. After all, they are more realistic. If we are late for work often enough, our boss doesn’t take away our driving privileges, he fires us. Natural consequences teach the best lesson without you making threats or showing anger. Unfortunately, children’s actions don’t always allow this to be the case and we must impose consequences. For some, this is easier than others.

TWO TYPES OF CONSEQUENCES :

g Positive: these are things people like and are willing to work to get. Positive

consequences reinforce the likelihood of something occurring again. Rewards are a

type of positive consequence. (See Appendix A for suggestions)

Positive consequences are used to encourage desirable behavior.

Example- “I appreciate your help cleaning the house today. You can pick a day next week that you don’t

have to make your bed.”

g Negative: these are things people don’t like and try to avoid. Behavior that is followed

by a negative consequence is less likely to occur again. Removing a reward is a

consequence. (See Appendix C for suggestions.)

Negative consequences are used to stop problem behavior.

Example- “Since you didn’t get the trash to the curb on time like I
asked, you can be in charge of emptying

all the trash cans in the house for the next week.”

L Pointers :

- Balance use of positive & negative consequences...catch ‘em being good too!

- Be clear, consistent, brief & follow through.

- Consequences work best if given immediately after the behavior occurs.

- Avoid using the same consequence over & over...it loses
effectiveness.

- Make the consequence fit the crime.

Exercise #1: Identify some of your child’s problem behavior. Then list a negative consequence (removal of a privilege) you would use in each situation.

Behavior Consequence Amount

Example:

Didn’t do homework No TV For the rest of the night

1. ___________________ _____________ ___________________

2. ___________________ _____________ ___________________

Exercise#2: What positive things do you want your kids to do more often? Identify those behaviors & assign a consequence for each behavior. Be sure to include how much, like one hour of TV or one slice of pizza at the mall.

Behavior Consequence Amount

1. ___________________ _____________ ____________________

2. ___________________ _____________ ____________________

POWER OF PRAISE

Praise is powerful. It is like nourishment. It helps your child grow emotionally. Praise is necessary nourishment for your child’s mind and self-esteem. As parents, it’s easy to focus on the negative....these things are obvious. It doesn’t have to been an extraordinary accomplishment. Compliment little things and small improvements. You’ll begin to notice many positive changes. Praise works!

What can I praise?

Suggestions:

- Look at the things your kids already do well (and maybe you take for granted).

- Improvements, even small improvements, in problem areas.

- Positive attempts at new skills.

How do I praise?

Step #1: Show your approval

Example - “I’m so proud of you.”

Step #2: Describe the positive

Example - “You did your homework before watching TV.”

Step #3: Give a reason

Example - “Now you won’t have to do it late at night.”

Step #4: Optional reward

Example - “You’re sure welcome to some popcorn while you watch the movie.”

Think of something your kids did that deserved praise. Practice using the steps below.

U Show Approval _________________________________________

U Describe Positive ______________________________________________

U Give Reason

____________________________________________

(Reward is optional)

RESPONSIBILITY & SELF-ESTEEM

Even children make themselves known

by their acts,

by whether what they do

is pure and right.

- Proverbs 20:11

We can tell our kids to “be responsible.” We can tell them over and over again. It doesn’t work. Have you noticed that most parents who spend a lot of time yelling at their kids about responsibility seem to have the most irresponsible kids? The most responsible kids come from families where parents almost never use the word responsibility. Why?

Responsibility cannot be taught: it must be caught.

To help a child gain responsibility, we must offer them opportunities to be responsible. Worrying about their responsibility and reminding them about it isn’t the key. Help your kids solve their problems but don’t do it for them. Empathize with their concerns but don’t become over involved. And most importantly, kids who grow in responsibility also grow in self-esteem.

Responsible children feel good about themselves .

Self-esteem is a pre-requisite for achievement in the real world. We want our kids to learn for themselves and be confident in their abilities so they won’t depend on us too much instead of themselves. Children with a good self-concept tend to have a lot of friends, do their chores regularly, and don’t get into trouble in school - they take responsibility as a matter of course in daily life. Children with poor self-concepts often forget homework, bully
other kids, argue with teachers and parents, steal, and withdraw into themselves whenever things get rocky - irresponsible kids in all they do. Parenting with love and logic offers your child a chance to develop that needed positive self-concept.

Resources

Burke, R. & Herron, R. (1992). Common sense parenting: A practical approach from boys town. Father Flannagan’s Boys’ Home, Boys Town, NE

Cline, F. & Fay, J. (1990). Parenting with love and logic. Pinon Press: Colorado Springs, CO.

Single Parenting
www.singleparentcentral.com/articles.htm

-Working Moms
BlueSuitMom.com
workingmom.com

-Parenting Tips
http://familydoctor.org/368.xml

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