SCIENCE HUMOR

The following pages contain various science jokes, and where submitters can be remembered, they have been identified. The jokes have been grouped into different, general categories.

Everyone is encouraged to submit and add jokes to this page. You will be recognized unless you choose to remain anonymous. All jokes are to be submitted to the GASO director (wwellnit@aug.edu).

GENERAL, QUICK STATEMENTS

1. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
   
2. Q:How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
   A: Take down their genes.
   
3. Two molecules meet while they are walking down the street.
   One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
   "No, I lost an electron!"
   "Are you sure?"
   "I'm positive!"
   
4. My name is Bond, Ionic Bond. I like my electrons taken, not shared.
   
5. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer.
   The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

(3-5: Rebecca Potter, Westside High School)

6. Q: What substance is represented by "HIJKLMNO"
   A: Water, because it is H to O

QUALITY BAD PUNS

1. A politician stopped at roadside market that was selling corn. To the farmer he said “Lend me your ears.”
   
   The farmer replied:” That’s corny.”
   
2. A group of boys started throwing stones at terns on the beach. One tern was too far away and escaped to call the SPCA. Moral: Leave no tern unstoned.
   
3. The parents came home and detected their children making $20 counterfeit bills that all had 2025 on them. When asked what they were doing, they replied, “We are forging ahead.”
   
4. Yogi Berra once remarked “If you don’t make it to a friend’s funeral, he or she won’t be at yours.”
   
5. One upset student told the professor, “I feel that you have frozen me out of my choice field of cryogenics.”
   
6. In some places, when new kings are installed, they receive a new throne and old thrones are stored in grass huts. When the storage hut got full, the king remarked that people who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
   
7. An angel returning from a visit to earth told another angel, “I left my harp in San Francisco.”
   
8. What do you call Irish lawn chairs?
   A: Patty O’furniture.
   
9. Fed Ex and UPS are planning to merge. The new company name will be FED UP.
   
10. Three vampires walked into a bar. The first two ordered a glass of blood. The third ordered a glass of plasma. The waiter yelled: “That will be two bloods and one blood light.”
    
11. Where does bad light end up?
    Answer: In a prism!

12.What is the difference between swine flu and avian flu?

A: Swine flu is treated with an oinkment and bird flu requires a tweetment

13. Jerry Yventoshenko was still playing professional hockey at age 58. In one game, he scored 3 goals (aka a hat trick for the non-hockey informed). Ever since then he has been known as geriatric.

(Doug Mahaney)

14. A fish swims into a concrete wall and says dam.

NUMBERS

1. What is 10^-18 male child?
   A: An attoboy
   
2. What is10^-6 phones?
   A: One microphone
   
3. 2000 mocking birds is two kilo-mocking bird
   
4. What is 10¹² male bovine?
   A: A tera-bull

1-4 All from Tim Howell, Gainesville State College

5. What is the ratio of the igloo circumference to its diameter?

A: Eskimo pi

6.What is one-half of the large intestine?

A: one semicolon

7. What are one million aches?

A: One megahurts

8. What is the basic unit of laryngitis?

A: 1 hoarsepower

9. What is one kilogram of falling figs?

A: One fig Newton

10. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

11. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

COMPARISONS OF PROFESSIONS AND DISCIPLINES

1. A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.
   
   The biologist remarked, "Oh, they must have reproduced."
   
   The engineer said, "Our initial count must have been incorrect"
   
   The mathematician stated, "Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty."


2. The optimist sees a glass as half full. The pessimist sees it as half empty. The engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.
   
3. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
   
   The mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral; the physicist placed the ball in a beaker of water and measured the total displacement; the engineer looked up the model and serial number in his red-rubber-ball table.
   
4. The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
   
   The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
   
   "No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."
   
5. Two physicists walk into a bar. The third one ducks. (Rebecca Potter, Westside High School)
   
6. How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
   
   A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
   
   
7. A physicist, biologist and a mathematician were out hunting and came across a large deer. The physicist shot at it but missed by a meter to the left. The biologist fired and missed by a meter to the right. The mathematician shouted with joy, "We got it! We got it! The average shot was direct hit."
   
8. Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks.
   
   "Look!” A pair of tracks," the first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
   "Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.
   
   "Oh,no," said the first. "Those are definitely moose tracks." With this, they began to
   argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
9. Two scientists investigating behavior in bullfrogs notice that when startled by a loud noise, the frog jumps.
   
   Deciding to experiment further they yell "Jump, "and note that the frog jumps a distance of six feet.
   
   They then cut off a front leg, yell jump, and the frog jumps five feet.
   
   They cut off the other front leg and yell jump; the frog jumps 3 feet.
   
   They cut off a back leg, yell jump; the frog barely manages to jump 6 inches.
   
   They cut off the last leg, then they yell jump; the frog doesn't move. They again says jump, only louder; the frog doesn't move.
   
   In the notebook they conclude: "A frog with no legs is deaf."
   
   
10. A chemist, a physicist, and a biologist go to the beach.
    
    The physicist is intrigued by the waves, walks into the ocean to examine them and drowns.
    
    The biologist is intrigued by the various forms of life, walks into the ocean to study them, and drowns.
    
    The chemist is sitting on the beach with a lab notebook and writes “Biologists and physicists are soluble in water.”
    (Stephanie Myers, Augusta State University)
    
11. A biologist from UGA, a Chemist from U of Alabama, and an engineer from GA.Tech are all
    captured by terrorists. They are all sentenced to be executed on the same day. On the morning of the execution, all three are brought to the town square where the terrorists have set up a guillotine.
    
    The Biologist is brought up first.
    
    The executioner asks him if he has any last words, so he shouts:”Go Dawgs!” And puts his head into the guillotine.
    
    The executioner pulls the handle, and the blade goes halfway down and stops.
    
    The official in charge shouts, "It is fate!" and releases the biologist.
    
    Next they bring up the Chemist and ask her the same question. She shouts “Roll Tide” and puts her head into the guillotine. The same thing happens; the blade stops, and the prisoner is released.
    
    Finally the engineer is brought up and they ask the same question; “Do you have any last
    words?”
    
    The engineer replied, “If you just tighten that bolt, the blade will come all the way down.”
    

DISEASE COMPARISONS

1. What is the difference between swine flu and avian flu?

A: Swine flu is treated with an oinkment, and bird flu requires a tweetment.