Ch. 14: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Four Actual Regents' Exam Student Essays, with Commentary

Essays on the Regents' Examination are graded on a numerical scale from 4 (highest) to 1 (lowest, and failing). Grades of 2 through 4 are passing. These numerical scores roughly correspond to the following letter grades: A to B+ = 4; B to C+ = 3; C to D+ = 2; D to F = 1.

14.1: The two failing essays

[1] I am a strong believer that this statement, "self-discipline is the most important ingredient for success," is true because of the following points that I will mention and will try to explain in this essay.

[2] It is necessary self-discipline to accomplish the goals that you set for yourself. You have to be in control of the situation and know where you are heading, this way you will be able to achive your goals. Organize your ideas. Planning ahead of time and carefully, will save you a lot of time, and you will be able to avoid a lot of problems.

[3] To be successful in what you are going to do, you need punctuality, be responsible, be neat in whatever you do. With these three ingredients you can be sure that whatever you do is going to be rewarded by credibility from the people that you deal with. If the people that you are dealing with; trust you and believe in you; will make things easeir for you.

[4] All of these points that I have mentioned and briefly am trying to explain, couldn't be possible to do, if you don't have control of yourself, and this comes with self discipline.

[5] So if you really want to be successful in your life, and make yourself and the people around you happier, always remember that "self-discipline is the most ingredient for success."

[1] From birth to the first few years, life is filled with new, exciting and influential experiences. Familiarization with the people and things in the surroundings makes lasting impressions. For years doctors and psychologists have been pondering the question of the effect divorce has on the offspring of a marriage. Although the information is still inconclusive, I will attempt to define my feelings on the subject based on the first few lines of this essay.

[2] With the passing of time, even a short time, parents become a symbol in an infant's eyes. The infant becomes dependent on the faces, the hands, the bodies that feeds loves and protect it.

[3] As the infant grows in to a child, it becomes more and mmore attached to its parents. If at some point, the child senses something wrong between the parents it will respond in some way. This response also holds true if the parents are seperated and eventually divorced.

[4] Divorce creates problems with children that few couples or parents realize or understand. For instance if for 3 yhears the father, mother and child has been living together as a family unit. Suddenly (in the childs eyes)the father disappears, he simly walkes out. This 3 year old child cant understand what's going on. But he knows and responds to his fathers absence. This holds true for children of almost any age. Along with the confusioin of "where is Daddy, the child will go through phases which will show that divorce affects him in some devistating ways.

[5] The security I spoke of earlier is one of the things that could have an impact on the child. For 3 years, father has watched over the family unit, he is big strong and protects mother too. Now that father is gone who will be there. The child could resent his fathers leaving or resent his mother for letting him go. While this is important, the childs loss of companionship could be more important.

[6] Father has been spending a great deal of time playing with talking to and holding his child. If this is suddenly lost, the child will or could resent it.

[7] While resentment maybe easiely overcome by a child of 3 years, mental and emotional difficulties maynot be.

[8] The tension, stress, and strain of a divorce tend to play the biggest role in how a child will adjust afterward.

[9] I'm sure we all know how attached most children are to their parents. There are emotional ties that could never be broken. However if a child understand what is going on or senses hostility between his parents he tends to be torn between them. He may experience confusion, resentment, hostility mental and emotional stresses. If the problem continue to exist, this could lead to longlasting if not permanant mental and emotional strain.

[14] As the study of divorce and its effect on children continue, parents should keep in mind what they are doing to thier children. Apprehension about future fathers (step-fathers), could spark a new and more tragic experience.

[11] While I realize that not all marriages work out, I also realize that not all children respond or recover the same. So parents be aware of the consequences you could be destroying the most precious thing(s) in your lives, your children.

Although high-pass essay number 1 (below) is also relatively short, the shortness of failing essay number 1 is due to underdevelopment--too little discussion, illustration, and specific words and examples--both overall and in each paragraph. Further, the diction or word choice is very weak, suggesting an inadequately developed vocabulary, which probably hindered the writer's thinking as well as written expression, and also probably contributed to the essay's repetitiveness. Paradoxically, despite the underdevelopment of the essay, at the same it is also wordy and repetitious. The first one-sentence paragraph (see my P-dev symbols) repetitiously and wordily circles around on itself, and could easily be shortened to "Self-discipline is, for several reasons, the most important ingredient for success." The paragraph should then continue with the first main point and illustration or illustrations.

While not a terribly serious problem, the essay in the second paragraph lapses into the use of you, which is sometimes acceptable but sometimes not, and thus is often best avoided. Further, both diction and grammar are defective in the first sentence of paragraph 2, making the sentence unclear. The second sentence of paragraph 2 strays from the topic (being in control of a situation is not necessarily the same thing as self discipline; likewise, setting goals is not necessarily the same thing as self discipline). It also contains a comma splice and spelling error. Sentences 3 and 4 of paragraph 2 also need more explicit connection or bridging to the assigned topic. An ungrammatical comma in sentence 4 divides subject from predicate, as serious a comma error as the comma splice.

Sentence 1 of paragraph 3 also needs to explicitly connect the material with the assigned topic of self-discipline. Furthermore, it strays into new and different territory (neatness) and shifts or mixes grammatical structure (see "shift" on my essay correction symbols). Diction is weak in the word "credibility" in sentence 2, as with the sentence as a whole; further, it should use the pronoun "who" or "whom" when referring to people. The last sentence of paragraph 3 misuses (twice!) the semicolon, which should not be placed between unequal grammatical units (its main use is between main clauses not connected by a coordinate conjunction). Further, the sentence is again a shifted or mixed grammatical structure (something is missing between "believe in you" and "will"), while it also contains a misspelling.

Paragraph 4 (another mere one-sentence paragraph) is simply repetitious and weaseling. Connection to the assigned topic should be consistent and explicit in all paragraphs and in all sentences, not merely claimed in a last paragraph. Again, wordiness and repetitiousness in "have mentioned and briefly am trying to explain," which along with the overall topic sentence in paragraph 1 violates "wdy-an" (my essay correction symbols) and the comments on the topic sentence in section VII of this pamphlet.

Paragraph 5 (another mere one-sentence paragraph) is yet again repetitious, repeating one more time the assigned topic without really discussing, explaining, and illustrating it. Further, in the paragraph's shift (see my "expos" comments on my essay correction symbols) from impartial explaining to giving advice (with a corresponding shift from declarative to imperative sentences), a junior-high or middle-schoolish quality is injected into the writing.

This writer needed to spend more time in the prewriting stage and less in plunging headlong and heedless into the writing. Because of lack of planning, the essay is scattered, disorganized, and lacking in unity (containing much irrelevant material). Its paragraphs are too short and choppy. It also has serious mistakes at the levels of sentences (including punctuation) and word choice (including apostrophe and spelling). The writer also should have taken more time in editing, as well as in prewriting activities. As with the first failing essay, far too little personal experience and knowledge are cited, together with vivid, specific proper nouns (names of people, places, institutions, events, things).

1. "In what ways has the availability of fast food restaurants affected your eating habits. Explain."

[2] There once was a time when the words "jelly doughnut," "cheeseburger all the way," and "hot apple pie" held no particular meaning for me. I could cruise past billboards and listen to radio advertisements, and feel nary a twinge of junk food lust. Not anymore. As the avalanche of advertising grew, and finally overwhelmed me, I gave in. I pulled into a fast food chain one afternoon after being driven berserk by a sucession of hot-to-go billboards, and discovered the joys of pigging out. No more napkins! It's all hands and mouth now--a disgusting, degrading spectacle.

[3] Back before my present state of debauchery, I maintained a strict vegetarian diet of three carrots every four hours. I did this religiously, never missing a day, never allowing myself to fall prey to Betty Crocker and Dunkin' Doughnuts. That's all changed now. I eat anything, anywhere, at any time. The entire world may be snuggling away in its bed--I'll be out in hot pursuit of a Burrito Supreme. While my friends are all out bar-hopping and yukking it up, I'll be out crusing for the perfect pan pizza.

[4] Perhaps the worst damage I've suffered has been done to my once rigid self-control. I used to be a discriminating sort. If a good product swam in grease, or seemed poised for attack, I always made sure to keep careful distance between it and myself. Now everything looks edible, plants, artwork, 12 day old zucchini casserole, inanimate objects--everything.

[5] The availability of fast food restaurants has had a very negative affect on my eating habits. It has changed my once carefully composed and austere demeanor to that of a crazed, unkempt slob, and has caused me to lose my ability to discipline myself entirely.

[1] There are certain qualifications a person must have if he aspires to a position of leadership and influence. Without them, he will be either an inefficient leader, an unsuccessful one, or perhaps even a despised and dested one, who will undoubtedly meet with a swift end due to public outrage at his minimal talents in the direction toward which he aspires. There have been many leaders throughout history--leaders of nations, armies, and religions--but only a few truly great ones. All of the outstanding leaders had at least several of these qualities, and some, it seems had them all. [2] First and formost, a would-be leader must have charisma, an appeal, a magnetic personality which automatically instills loyalty in his subordinates. Theodore Roosevelt is perhaps the best example of this. His colorful exploits, his fine wit, and his paternal tenderness endeared him to all who met him. Roosevelt was perhaps our finest president--his impressive physical "presence" has been credited with achieving many strong diplomatic footholds overseas, and his honesty and openness kept the peace back on American shores as well. (John F. Kennedy had much the same appeal, were one required to cite a more recent example.)

[3] But charisma is nothing without organizational talents. A leader, as the man (or woman) responsible for the well-being of a group, must be able to deploy his forces with skill. He must know how to use every available resource with optimum efficiency in order to achieve his desired goal. "Fighting Bob" LaFollette, the governor of Wisconsin who brought an end to the railroad's stranglehold on the state, was one leader with this talent. Napoleon Bonaparte was another. On the other hand, General George Armstrong Custer was a would-be presidential candidate who lacked organizational talents, and in an effort to win public acclaim (as well as the Republican nomination) he misused his resources and lost everything, including his own life.

[4] Linked closely with skill in the maneuvers of executives is the requirement that a leader be wise. Chief Joseph of the Nez Pearce Indians embodies these two characteristics--his tactical deployment of troops is still studied by modern military geniuses, yet Chief Joseph was noted for his wisdom in lesser affairs as well. A successful leader will need wisdom in order to stay one step ahead of his rivals and detractors, as did Christ when he asked whose picture (Caesar's) a Roman coin bore. Another example would be Daniel Dravot, the adventurer in Rudyard Kipling's short story "The Man Who Would be King." Dravot could settle disputes between the Kafiristani natives with remarkable wit, no matter how labrinthine the conflicts might be. However, Dravot lacked Humility, which brings us to the final characteristics of a good leader.

[5] If a leader expects to remain in his position for any appreciable amount of time, he should not display hubris; rather he should place himself subordinate to whatever diety holds its spell over his people. It was in this that Mat Daniel Dravot erred. He foolishly chose to masquerade as a god, an immortal, a man not of this world. Similar errors were made by Quetzacoatl, Alexander, "Daddy Grace", and others (including, perhaps, Adolf Hitler). Man is not immortal, and furthermore, man is subject to human failings, human desires and human emotions. Dravot's natural desire for a woman (gods, it was thought, had no sexual needs) threw him into suspicion, and when his new bride scratched his face, blood ran from the wound. His secret was out and his kingdom was lost.

[6] Daniel Dravot, then, illustrates a very important point. He had charisma. He could organize well (he conquered Kufiristan with a handful of men). He was very wise. Yet he squandered it all by claiming to be a god, and self-deification is suicidal when practiced by monarchs. Daniel Dravot lost his head, figuratively and, alas, literally.

The topic, as mentioned earlier in this pamphlet, is an autobiographical one, and the writer unashamedly uses the first person throughout. The writer also uses humor, as advised in section VI of this pamphlet. The essay contains many proper nouns (specific names), as well as vivid and specific words and illustrations ("carrot-cruncher," "cheeseburger all the way").

The essay has good variation in sentence structure (see the composition handbook on this topic), sound and sophisticated sentence structure (including mastery of punctuation, including the comma for coordinate adjectives). At the level of diction or word choice, the writer's use of colloquialism or the familiar or informal register of usage is justified by the essay's humorous tone, as well as the writer's obvious command of sophisticated words like "inviolable" (paragraph 1), "berserk" and "degrading" (paragraph 2), "debauchery" (paragraph 3), "edible" (paragraph 4), and "austere" and "demeanor" and "unkempt" (paragraph 5).

Though short, the essay has dealt with the topic, and its short paragraphs have supporting explanation and illustration, with many vivid and lively specifics.

It has a few problems, though these are outweighed by its merits. Sentence 3 of paragraph 1 has a mild subject-verb agreement problem. The last sentence of paragraph 3 has a spelling error. Sentence 1 of paragraph 4 has a redundancy ("suffered" = "done," so omit "done"); look up redundancy in the composition handbook. In the last sentence of paragraph 4, the number should be spelled out, and "12 day old" should be hyphenated (a mild spelling error). But in fifty or sixty minutes, graders (including your instructor) do not expect absolute freedom from all error, just suppression of as much error as possible and correction of the more serious kinds of errors. Moreover, what is done well, also counts, not just what is done wrong.

This essay implements very well the criteria used to measure good writing: adherence to the topic, good development and specifics, sound organization, good sentence structure, and good word choice. It also shows how specific illustrations can be drawn, impressively, from a good student's reading and course work (see my subsection on "Brownie points" in section IV of this pamphlet). Like high-pass essay 1, this essay is not free from mistakes or errors, but these are few, and its strengths overwhelmingly counterbalance its few weaknesses.